The following is a story I wrote back in 1981. I’ve been going through some of my writings that I’ve kept over the years and just thought I’d share this. It still makes me laugh, hope it makes you laugh too!
I realize that some people are going to have their ultra-sensitive sensitivities offended because this is a parody of a story in the Bible. To those unfortunates I can only say what many have said before me – you think “God” doesn’t have a sense of humor? Look in a mirror!
Genesis II – A Modern Retelling
Copyright © 1981 Michael Walden. All Rights Reserved.
In the beginning of the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was without form 1040A and void of any real value. God looked at what he had made and said, “This looks like shit.” With that, the Lord flicked his first creation out of existence with his Holy Finger of Flicking.
“Maybe if I could see what I was doing..” the Lord God thought to himself. So God created the sun, the moon, the stars and the first pair of Blu-Blocker sunglasses so he wouldn’t hurt his eyes. The Lord was pleased and called what he had made “adequate,” even though he thought the Blu-Blockers were great.
Next, the Lord God created a garden. In this garden he placed many beautiful plants, trees and flowers. Yea did the Lord romp in his garden or contemplate his navel on the seashore. However, the Lord soon realized that he was bored. So the Lord created the fish of the sky and the birds of the waters. He found this didn’t quite work and in his confusion he cried loudly “strike that, reverse it!” And thus were the fish placed in the waters and the birds in the sky. The Lord looked at what he had done, shrugged his shoulders and said “ehh!”
So did the Lord romp again in his creation. However, he was still bored. “I know,” the Lord said, which is strange because there wasn’t anyone to listen to him, “I’ll create man in my own image, only not quite as heavy.”
God spit on the ground, and from the mud formed man. And the Lord did breathe the breath of life into the man, and lo, the man began to breathe. The man’s body quivered and then he opened his eyes.
Wow man, you gotta quit eating those garlic sticks.” the man said.
God looked at his newest creation and was pleased. “You shall be called Ahdamn. Gaze upon the handiwork of the Lord.”
The Lord led Ahdamn to the Tree of Life after Taxes and the man looked upon himself in the full length mirror which hung thereon.
“Hey man, not too bad,” Ahdamn said, “but what’s this thing between my legs?”
“Well it like, I made this mud and well, let’s just say I didn’t want to waste my spit ya know?” God said feeling very valley girlish.
So verily did the Lord and his creation Ahdamn romp in the garden together or contemplate their navels on the seashore. One day Ahdamn came to the Lord and said, “Man am I bored. Don’t get me wrong, I mean I love you like my own father, but I need some companionship. We can only contemplate our navels for so long, ya know.”
The Lord looked upon Ahdamn lovingly and said, “You shall have your companion.” And with that the Lord God smote Ahdamn on the head with a tree.
Now, only an hour earlier, the Lord God had finished a spare rib TV dinner. And not feeling in the mood to make another spit mudball, the Lord took one of the ribs from his dinner and formed woman. God breathed the breath of life into the woman and lo, she began to breathe. She opened her eyes and looked around.
“Oh my God, I must be a mess!”
“Come follow me” God said. He led her to the Tree of Life after Taxes and directed her to look in the mirror.
“Oh Jesus,” she exclaimed, “It’s worse than I thought, my hair’s a mess and this lipstick really has to go.”
God smiled and said, “You shall be named Heave, for the rib from which you were formed did turn my stomach.”
Later that afternoon Ahdamn came to the Lord scratching his head. “Why did you smite me with a tree? Damn that hurts!”
“No man may watch the Lord God at work. Anyhow, come with me, I have a surprise for you.”
God led Ahdamn to another part of the garden in which there were three large doors numbered One Two and Three.
“Choose a door Ahdamn, the prize is yours.” God said.
“Hmmm I dunno, ummm one, no three, no two…”
“Make haste,” God said, “this is only a half hour show.”
“I know, I know, it’s just hard to make a decision. Ummm three..no one dammit I just don’t know!”
God gave Ahdamn a disapproving look, “Watch it, this is prime time. Just pick a damned door, you win no matter what!”
“Well, I guess that makes it easier…ok I choose number two!”
And lo, there were many flashings of light and many blowings of trumpets as door number two opened.
There stood Heave, looking quite confused. Ahdamn looked at God’s second creation and said, “Hey, don’t I get a chance to trade for something else?”
“God said, “Nope this is it!”
“Bummer dude. Well what is it? And would you take off those sunglasses?”
“This is Heave and she shall be your companion for the rest of your life.”
Ahdamn looked at the woman again, back at God and then the woman again. He shrugged his shoulders, took the woman’s hand and said, “well, its just you an me. We’ll have to make the best of it.” And with that Ahdamn and Heave walked off into the sunset.
Days later, as God sat on the seashore contemplating his navel, Ahdamn came walking up the beach toward him.
“Well Lord, it’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Heave is really a good companion for me.”
“That is good, Ahdamn, you and Heave shall have dominion over all of the earth forever.”
“Well,” Ahdamn said, “I think it’s going to be more than just Heave and I”
“What do you mean?” God asked.
Ahdamn looked up at the Lord grinning from ear to ear. “I found out what that thing between my legs is for!”
Again, I make no apologies if you find this offensive. As a famous villain once said, “Why so serious?”